November 1, 2020

I was awesome. Until I wasn’t.

I had the best day I have had until about 4pm. I had more diarrhea and felt that same wash of yuck come over me. It subsided much more quickly, but man I hate it. I also saw ONE crow outside my window which is a bad omen. I am trying not to think about it. I am fine when I am going through the motions, but if I pause for a second, I get scared. People have been fine after symptoms and have stroked. Young people are getting blood clots and stroking. This really frightens me. It’s like I can never be totally comfortable because who knows how this virus is going to act in my body. I just keep praying about it. I surrender it to God and place it on the moon. It’s Conley’s birthday tomorrow. I’m nervous about him going back to school tomorrow. Please, angels, protect all the little ones that go in and out of that school. Bless and keep healthy all of the teachers and faculty. Drench the school in white, healing light. I want my baby and all of his people safe. Please. Yes. Thank You.

November 2, 2020

Conley’s birthday and his first day back at school. I am a nervous wreck. Just worried that the kids will be cruel because kids can be cruel. I am baking him a cake which is super unusual because I do not bake, but we have to make do. I feel ok today. I am a little anxious, anticipating the birthday. We will be having people stop by to hang out outside. We are doing a zoom call with Daniel’s family. I just hope he has a good one, considering.

November 3, 2020

The birthday yesterday was awesome. His decade birthday was unusual, but full of love. Friends and family did drive by’s, presents were opened and candles blown out on zoom. A friend from NYC sent us a full dinner from Jack Stack. We were both showered with unbelievable love and kindness.  As far as pandemic birthdays, it was pretty special. Until this morning. His fucking fish fucking died! And what’s worse is that Harry (the fish) was supposed to be the “healthy one.” Romeo, the other fish, has been spending a little too much time floating on its side at the top of his bowl. Thought for sure he was going to be the first to go, but no. It was Harry’s time. Poor Conley. He hadn’t emotionally recovered by the time we got to school. Man, can’t the kid catch a break?! Divorce, Covid, and a dead fish all in a year?! Really?! He was pretty upset when I dropped him off. I am having a little bit of a cough today. Nothing major. Just a cough where it feels like I have to cough, but my body won’t cough. I have to make myself cough. It’s pretty annoying, but it doesn’t last long. I got an email from the principal and his teacher.  It looks like Conley is holding out for the fish to still be alive. Hate to break it to him, but it’s like, super dead. (I’m thinking that’s why I saw the crow.)

Oh, and it’s Election Day. I am really nervous/excited about it.

November 4, 2020

Conley made a memorial to the fish. He walks by it and gets sad. He told me that he feels bad that he
“Isn’t sad enough” about Harry. He is plenty sad, he just doesn’t quite feel bad enough?

I tried to tell him gently that he can have any feeling he wants right now, he just can’t judge it. He can be happy, even. Emotions are supposed to just roll through. And we can move on from them. Or we can hold on to them. We just can’t judge them. Today, I feel better and I have to go get another Covid test. This one will obviously be positive. We haven’t heard yet on Daniel and Holden’s tests. It would be nice if we were able to get back to pre-Covid Covid tomorrow. We shall see. My symptoms flare a bit under stress it seems. I had more of a cough today because I am twisted up about the election. It seems that half of this country seems to think that Trump is right for this country. HALF!!!! HOW IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?! We are waiting to find out who is president with a few states left. They called Michigan, Wisconsin, and Arizona for Biden but they are still counting in Arizona and Pennsylvania. Trump can still get to 270. Biden is at 253 right now. Ugh!! I hate this.

November 5, 2020

So Holden’s test came back negative and mine and Daniel’s came back positive so Holden is now with me. He has to quarantine for 14 more days. No school. No work. My main concern is that I want him to stay healthy. His little body has refused this thing so far. Amazing. I want it to stay far away from him.

November 6, 2020

No symptoms whatsoever! Holden ended his night with a runny nose, though. He has been away from the cats for two weeks so he spent the entire evening snuggling them which always causes him to get a little itchy and runny.  Gotta keep our fingers crossed it’s just allergies and that he stays healthy.

November 7, 2020

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMFG!!!! We won! Joe Biden won the presidency! It is finally over. I actually think that my symptoms were exasperated by the election. The stress was really getting to me. But “Ding, dong, the witch in dead.” It’s over. Emotionally, physically, spiritually I feel like I am finally back. And I’m beyond grateful. Holden took allergy medicine and is all cleared up. God, what a relief.

November 8, 2020

It is amazing how good one feels after an exorcism of a racist, misogynistic, incompetent administration from the White House. I feel pretty great today. So does Holden. I really hope we just keep this vibe going.

November 9, 2020

Conley does not have school today and so we are just being pretty lazy, enjoying that none of us have any working symptoms. I posted something on Facebook today. I had been kind of quiet. I waited on writing something about the election until I actually had something that didn’t include “asshole” in the post. I found my truth and spent just a few minutes writing it. It turned out to be what I needed to say.

November 10, 2020

Fingers crossed. I have felt really good for several days. I am grateful to be making a full recovery. Same with Holden. No symptoms. I spoke with Daniel and he still has a runny nose. I hope his symptoms continue to be mild, if at all.

November 11, 2020

There is panic talk from the right about a possible coup from the left. There is actual talk of a coup from the right. Trump is not conceding. He’s playing golf.

Good news though. We are all healthy and fine. Can’t ask for anything more.

November 12, 2020

Nothing to report. We are well. Fine and good.

November 13, 2020

Conley had school. He seems to be doing ok. Holden and I are just biding our time, trying to enjoy the quiet of the pandemic. Fire going. Book reading. Cat cuddling. Discovering the blessings.

November 14, 2020

I have crossed the streams.

One of my favorite moments in Ghostbusters:

Egon: “Don’t cross the streams.”

Peter: “Why?”

Egon: “That would be bad.”

Peter: “I’m a little fuzzy on the good/bad thing. What do you mean “bad?”

Egon: “Try imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.”

Raymond: “Total protonic reversal.”

Peter: “That’s bad. Okay. Alright, important safety tip. Thanks, Egon.”

I did not want to cross the streams. I thought it would be bad. When Daniel tested positive and Holden needed to come back here because Conley and I were finished with our contagion, I  wasn’t sure I felt confident to change things. Holden had been negative despite Daniel’s contagion. What if we switch it up and somehow expose him?

But we haven’t had cause for concern so far. Holden has had his normal allergic reactions to the cats, but nothing else. Now, Daniel is finished with his quarantine. He rightfully wants to hang out with the boys, especially Conley, since he hasn’t seen him in person in 3 weeks. They both finished their necessary quarantine after their positive tests. Both are asymptomatic. I think it will be fine. Conley is there now. But man, this whole swapping houses and children and quarantines and then sending them back to school? It’s a lot. I feel like I have the whole health of my family and my children’s school is on my shoulders. Let’s just hope we don’t have a “total protonic reversal.”

November 15, 2020

Had a day of worry. About my parents. About my friends. About the country. About the world. I surrender it all to God, but man, just quarantining, doing puzzles, my mind can hook in. I want those that I love to be ok. I want those that I don’t know to be ok.

November 16, 2020

My mom and I had decided to cancel Thanksgiving a couple of days ago. It just isn’t responsible to get family together, regardless of how many. Houses should not be combining houses.

The news right now is quite scary. The numbers are going up so quickly and people still want to deny it or keep its severity questionable. We will be our own demise if we do not take care of ourselves and each other by wearing a mask, washing our hands, and staying 6 feet apart. I really hope that people make smart decisions over the holidays and, as Samuel L. Jackson would say, “Stay the Fuck Home.”

November 17, 2020

I am overwhelmed with gratitude. My kids are healthy. So are my parents and Daniel. My friends were incredible – with phone calls, food, gifts, for our recovery and love for Conley on his birthday. This whole experience has been a  journey in self reflection. I have seen my fears. I’ve recognized my shame.  I understand the power of surrender. I  know that I am lucky. Beyond lucky. The disparity of struggle with this pandemic among ethnic groups is mortifying. The ease of my family’s healthcare made this month tolerable. I know other people do not have that luxury. I have a tribe that took very good care of me. I know that other people are alone. I had a roof over my head and food in the fridge. I had a healthy body that was able to get through this. My kids have come out of it fine. Their classmates are fine. The simple things are the most profound. It’s this that I will take with me.

May we all know a lasting recovery. Soon.