Dear Diary Part 1

Dear Diary, Part 1

October 23, 2020.

Holy shit. We have this thing.

Conley tested positive for Covid today.

School says Conley has to stay home for 10 days and Holden for 14. Holden will make camp at Daniel’s.

I don’t know where we got it.

We went apple picking. Our ONE time out of the damn house. Was it there that we were exposed? I’m trying to make fucking memories and we get Covid? Really?!

And what’s really awesome is that as I am typing, I’m experiencing symptoms.

I’m clammy, nauseous, and have a slight tickle in my throat.

Ok kids, I am buckling up for this ride. I just won’t be able to handle it if I’ve exposed anyone else. Especially my parents.

October 24, 2020

Today I woke up with the chills and nausea.

I took Advil at noon and felt better. NO appetite but I ate a BoBo Bar and felt better.

I called the nurse that took our tests to ask questions. She seemed to think that my symptoms did not call for another test.

I am struggling with how to care for Conley without isolating him. I actually think that ship has already sailed. If I’m already having symptoms,  it’s useless to keep him alone.

At about 7:30, I felt horrible. Like I was about to throw up, body aches. I took Advil.

My temp at 8pm is 100.5

Conley is 99.2

Right now, I feel better (it’s 9:30)

We received treats and a bag of presents from E on our doorstep.

Balloons, Whoopi cushion, card game, cupcakes, and a plastic football game. So kind of her!

I ran out of covers for the thermometer yesterday. Daniel went to the store and dropped them off last night. Blessings. So many blessings. We will get through this.

I feel very taken care of.

October 25, 2020

Today I woke up with just a slight headache.

Like one that could be attributed to caffeine so I drank coffee. Still headache.

I felt really good until about 10:30, then the chills set in. I took my temp. 99.4

Conley’s is 98.4

I have taken Advil.

I know I have this stupid thing.

I hate that the Health Department has not called me.

October 26, 2020

Awesome day.

Feel better.

Haven’t taken Advil today.

Sometimes I think I might have the chills and then I remember that it snowed last night and it’s fucking freezing. In October!

Conley is fantastic.

He is starting online with his class today. Kids that are were exposed because they were in his pod are at home, quarantining, too.

The piece of this Covid puzzle that is unexpectedly excruciating is the shame. Last week, when I took Conley’s temp and he found out he had a fever, he immediately broke down, crying, concerned for his classmates. “What if I give it to them?” I really felt that for him. I have this burden of “what if”, too. Sits heavy on my heart.

October 27, 2020

I thought today was symptom free, but my nose is runny just now, at 9pm.  Other than that, both Conley and I are good. Daniel said that he felt “touchy” yesterday, but not today. He does not have a temp.

Quarantining for 2 weeks?

I keep hearing Glennon…we can do hard things.

October 28, 2020

Today was a good day until it wasn’t.

I had an epic meltdown. I thought about everyone this is affecting and freaked out. Who will get this because of us? Did I get Holden to Daniel’s in time? Where and how were we exposed? Will Conley’s classmates get sick? The shame is unbearable. I thought I did things right. Maybe I could have used more hand sanitizer, washed hands and clothes more often. My friend called right in the heart of my snotty sobbing which was good. She prayed it out with me in the only way she could; The badass way. She had God and the angels working hard, reminding me that there is good here. And that there is the possibility that all remains well. It was truly beautiful. I was removed from the ledge.

I started to have a runny nose and congestion in the afternoon which was awesome considering that I had an evening of Tarot scheduled with my friend, K’s company. I was hoping I could get through it without snotting on the cards.

I looked at myself in the mirror at one point before the evening started and thought I had COVid blue lips. Which you have to go to the hospital immediately if you have them. I got really scared. I freaked out and then as soon as I signed on with K for the evening, I felt terrific. And I felt well the entire night. Didn’t need one tissue. Felt good. Felt invigorated, actually. I was working the event for 2.5 hours. I thought for sure Conley had fallen asleep before it ended. He had not. He just sweetly, silently watched his iPad while I did my thing. I love him so much.

October 29, 2020

I feel like I have a really bad cold today. I had a runny nose first thing. Then my hands and feel got super sweaty, but I wasn’t sweating. No fever. I have been uncomfortable all day. Now I am scared for the cats because we go downstairs to visit them. I didn’t even think about keeping our contact to a minimum. I just thought they need love and attention, too. Now I am frantically searching for “did I expose my cats to Covid” and “how to recognize Covid symptoms in a pet.” Would I have been able to avoided my exposure to this? What if I would have isolated him and worn masks and gloves? It’s as though these last 7 months of precautions and protocols were useless, like I  didn’t do anything that was good for us. I just let this thing happen. This sucks and I know I need to get out of this shame game, but while we’re here… Parent teacher conferences. One of my guys is doing really well, one is not.  I got misty eyed at both meetings.  Pride and worry. Parental worry and shame is so real.. Is he angry or sad? Or just an 8 year old? How does his behavior reflect on me as a parent? How do I help him? I am super nervous how both boys will be received by their classmates when they go back to school.

October 30, 2020

I can’t fucking taste anything.

Oh, and I have diarrhea.

No fever and I can breathe. So I’ve got that going for me.

October 31, 2020

I was fine in the morning and then at about 11, a strangeness washed over my whole body. Like all of the sudden, I felt clammy and weird, and my face got tingly. My tongue swelled and I couldn’t form my words properly. I know of a couple of young women who had stroked as a result of Covid and I got super frightened. Do I need to go to the hospital? Is this how I am gong to die? Right as it was happening, a friend texted me to ask how I was doing and I said, “currently, I’m scared.”

A nano second after I hit send, she called. After telling her about my symptoms, she recalled how her husband had had similar experiences when he had it last March and that her son gets really weird if his sodium and electrolytes go down. She drove over Gatorade and soup and left in on my doorstep. She called from my drive-way and said that she was going to remain on the phone until I drank a full bottle.  She was right. I felt 100 percent better after I downed the bright yellow Gatorade. It tasted like yellow, but I got it all down. I was able to hang on and get through Halloween by playing games (potion making, mummy wrapping, and scavenger hunting)  on FaceTime with Holden and Conley which was a super fun way to trick or treat in a pandemic.  To close the night, usually my favorite holiday, I did full moon ritual with Conley. Turned out to be a great night.

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